Wolfram von Bielefeld: User's Manual
by Sayoko Bizen
Summary: How to get the most out of your fully-automated Wolfram von Bielfeld unit.


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This fic was inspired by a hilarious fan fiction in the Rurouni Kenshin fandom that was written by Hikari Hrair-ah who in turn was inspired by Theresa Green's fic so I'm crediting both of these authors with the idea just to be safe. LoL. If I am able to execute this fic with even half the wit with which they were able to write their respective works, you're in for quite the trip. Read on!

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Disclaimer: Kyou Kara Maou wa atashi no mono da. Jyoudan! Hahahaha!

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Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated **_WOLFRAM VON BIELEFELD_** unit. Please make sure to read this **USER'S MANUAL** to insure that you get the full benefit of your purchase. We also hope you will look at our fine products in the catalog. Thank you.

WARNING: OUR COMPANY SHALL **NOT** BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PROPERTY DAMAGE, INJURY, OR DEATH RESULTING FROM FAILURE TO READ AND APPLY THESE INSTRUCTIONS.

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**Basic Information**

**Name**: **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_** (a.k.a. **_Little_****_ Lord Brat, Beautiful Wolfram, the 3rd Son_**)

**Shipping Age**: **_80 _**to **_83 _**years old SMS (Shin Makoku Standard) or **_16 _**years Earth Time

**Place of Manufacture:** **_Bielefeld_** **_Territory_****_, _****_Great_****_Demon_****_Kingdom_**

**Height**: approximately **_4 feet, 9 inches_** to **_5 feet, 2 inches_**

**Hair color: **golden blond

**Eye color: **emerald green

**Birthday: **the 1st of August (Sun Sign Leo)

**Element Mastered: **Fire

**Height: **Order-specific (see below)

_Note to collectors: _When ordering your **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya_** unit, please be sure to include the serial number of your **_Wolfram_** unit, so that we may insure that no **_Wolfram_** unit is taller than a **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit, and vice versa.

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**Accessories**

The **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit should come with the following accessories:

1 military uniform, Bielefeld-issue, blue

1 pair combat boots, leather, brown

1 pair socks, white

1 cravat, white

1 neck chain

1 set Army decorations, assorted

1 standard rapier, Bielefeld issue

_Note_: Please do not complain unnecessarily about missing or substituted accessories. A rapier _is_ a type of sword.

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**Setting Up Your Unit**

**Quick-start Instructions**

Upon arrival, please allow the box to stand unopened for approximately ten minutes. This will allow the unit's stomach to settle after its water-based transfer to your world. If this is not done, you are deemed accountable for any resulting mess, as the **_Wolfram_** unit will flatly refuse to clean it up. Attempts to further coax or admonish the unit into cleaning (which he views as menial work) will result in the unit's commission of arson and 1st degree murder by 3rd degree burns. As stated above, damage to life and property resulting from failing to comply with the directives for operation stated herein shall not be accounted for by our Company.

_Note_: The unit will activate automatically once the box is opened. If the unit does not immediately tell you off in very colorful terms, it is malfunctioning. Please call Customer Service for assistance at 1-908-KKMAOU (556268).

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**Programming**

Your new **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_** unit is actually one of the most complex and delightful units in our catalog.

His many functions include:

**Commanding Officer**: **_Wolfram _**can be tasked with taking over the job of commanding your troop of bodyguards. We assume you have more than one bodyguard on your payroll because you could actually afford this royally-priced, very princely **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_** unit. Good for you!

_Note: _Should you not have a troop of bodyguards yet, Wolfram will be happy to recruit and train some for you.

**Master** **Painter: **Your **_Wolfram von Bielelfeld_** unit will be glad to paint portraits of you and your family in the Cubist and Abstract Expressionist styles. In most cases, you will not need to ask him to do so.

WARNING: Persons with allergies or sensitive noses will wish to avoid activating this function (see warnings on bearbee-excrement paint tubes). Should you inadvertently do so, we recommend immediate purchase of a **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit_** to sit for said portraits in your place.

**Babysitter**: The unit will be delighted to baby-sit kids aged 7 and above after it has been introduced to a **_Greta: Child Princess _**unit for a time (rental option available, subject to availability). If you wish to train **_Wolfram _**to take care of smaller children, we recommend the purchase of an **_Elle Bruschella: Baby_** unit.

**Pretty Boy**: Revive NEWLY DEAD PEOPLE ONLY with this function! For this you need only to open one eye of the NEWLY DEAD/TERMINALLY ILL person you wish to revive and the beauty of your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit will surely bring him back to life and in the pink of health!

_Note_: Bodies that have started to decay that are given the treat of seeing your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit will thence be ZOMBIES. The cost of their exorcism will not be shouldered by our Company.

FUNCTIONS NOT SUPPORTED: Beautiful as he is, it is IMPOSSIBLE to persuade the **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_** unit to be your lover. Please see our "**ZETTAI KARESHI**" collection for **_Knight_** to serve that purpose.

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**MODES**

The **_Wolfram von Bielefeld unit_** operates in the following pre-programmed Modes:

**Bratty** (default setting)

**Master Orator (**original invectives every time!)

**Bodyguard**

Given time and opportunities for interaction with other units, he can learn to operate in:

**Sweet** (when exposed to **_Greta: Child Princess_** or **_Elle Bruschella: Baby _**units)

**Jealous **(see _Troubleshooting _section)

**Pensive/Thoughtful **(rare to see, often a result of a fight with **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya_**)

**Death and Destruction Mode **(see _Troubleshooting_ section)

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**Interaction with Other Units**

Your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit will not be very social but he will be fiercely loyal to your family or to the family of units you introduce him to. Please see our accompanying catalog for a complete listing. We particularly recommend the following:

**_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _-- **as mentioned below, the **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**and **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**units will have a rough start, but afterwards, your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit will fall hopelessly in love with the wimpy but rather adorable **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit and we will say this again just to make sure, if you're one of those persistent types: it is IMPOSSIBLE to persuade a **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_** unit to fall in love with you. It will hold out for a **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit, whether it knows about one or not. The **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit will always be the **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit's Priority One.

_Note_: If you have children in the house, please do not leave a **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya_ **and **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_ **unsupervised after one or both of them have survived in a life-threatening situation.

**_Greta: Child Princess _**_– _this little girl unit inspires a fatherly and a rather overprotective, doting range of emotions from your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit.

**_Cecilie von Spitzweg Seductress Extraordinaire -- this_** unit inspires fear in the **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit. It is a mystery even to us, **The Originators**, whether said fear is invoked by the former's sandbear-hugs of death or ten-thousand-decibel shrieks of joy.

**_Gwendal_****_ von Voltaire _**-- commands respect and absolute obedience from your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit, but this programming will be overridden if the **_Gwendal von Voltaire_** unit ever risks the welfare or breaks the heart of the nearest **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit with the former's infamous curtness.

**_Lord Conrart Weller: Master Swordsman _-- **Please do not worry if your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit is snappish and rude to the **_Lord Conrart Weller _**unit at almost all times. When your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit is by himself, your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit will think fondly of the **_Lord Conrart Weller: Master Swordsman _**unit as "Little Big Brother".

**_Yozak Grie: Super Spy _**-- in some cases, a **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit may develop a slight crush on this beautifully-built espionage unit, but only until a **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit is detected, in which case it will start treating the **_Yozak Grie: Super Spy_** like an old shoe and make **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit Priority One.

**_Gunter von Christ: Educator and Adviser_** – is one of two units most likely to cause the **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit to go into **Death and Destruction Mode. **See _Troubleshooting_section for details**_._**

**_Gisela: Medicine Demon_** -- this mild-mannered unit instills terror in the **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit when a medical emergency arises if the former feels the need to enlist the assistance of the **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit.

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**Troubleshooting Your Wolfram von Bielefeld Unit**

Problem: My **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_** unit just arrived and already he has challenged one of my other units to a duel.

Solution: If you have a **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit, please do not be alarmed if your new **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit tips the dinner table over and challenges the **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit to a duel for the next morning. This will usually be because **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit has insulted the **_Miko_****_ Shibuya:_** **_Mama _**unit's qualities, causing the **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit to retaliate with a slap. In Demon Kingdom custom the slap constitutes a marriage proposal. After your **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit defeats your new **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit (guaranteed to happen 100 percent or you get your money back!), the **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit will fall in love with the **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit and they will start getting along just fine.

Problem: My **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_** unit is constantly sick to his stomach.

Solution 1: You have taken your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit on a sea voyage. Return to dry land, and the problem will correct itself.

Solution 2: You have allowed your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit to spend too much time painting, and it is being affected by bearbee-excrement paint fumes. Open all the windows and make the unit take a break.

To prevent future occurrences, we recommend a purchase of our **_Wolfram von Bielefeld: Artmeister Accessory Kit_** which includes a custom-fit painter's smock in 100 percent stain-proof T-zou wool, a matching beret also made of 100 percent stain-proof T-zou wool and 256 shades of bearbee-excrement paint. Order within 30 days of your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit purchase date and you will also receive a state-of-the-art "Lets-You-Breathe-Fresh-Air-Only-kun" gas mask as a FREE GIFT from Karbelnikopf Laboratories, Ltd.

Problem: My unit seems really unhappy, and not even the Greta unit will cheer him up.

Solution: In some cases, a **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_ **unit will fall into severe depression and it will be impossible to cheer him up even with a **_Greta: Child Princess _**unit but don't worry -- it only means that a **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya_ **unit has taken a liking to your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld_ **unit and it should not be long before you will need to organize a Royal Wedding for the two. If you're lucky, you might see them making out in private places. To organize your Royal Wedding, you may rent (subject to availability) or purchase a **_Lady Cecilie von Spitzweg: Seductress Extraordinaire_ **or a **_Lord Gunter von Christ: Educator and Advisor_**unit for this purpose.

Problem: My **_Wolfram_** is destroying my country in a rage.

Solution 1: Someone mentioned the possibility that the **_Greta: Child Princess _**unit will grow up and get married one day, causing the **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit to shift into **Death and Destruction **mode. Show the unit the switch at the back of the **_Greta: Child Princess _**unit, assure him she will never grow up and the problem will correct itself.

Solution 2: Your **_Wolfram von Bielefeld _**unit has contracted the Evil-in-the-Great-One virus. Please check the vicinity for Forbidden Boxes (recalled products) and then call our hotline 1-908-KKMAOU (556268) for assistance.

Solution 3: You have left a **_Demon King Yuuri Shibuya _**unit in an unsupervised setting with a person or unit other than the **_Greta: Child Princess _**or **_Elle Brushella: Baby _**units, and your Wolfram unit has gone into Death and Destruction mode. Please flee the country until the unit's anger has dissipated. The units most likely to trigger this reaction are the **_Gunter von Christ: Educator and Adviser_** and the **_Lady Flynn of Caloria_** units.

-o-

_Thank you once again for your purchase of the **WOLFRAM VON BIELEFELD** unit. If you did not read these instructions, your name might have been written in a _**Death Note**_ (sold separately) as it is extremely doubtful you will last more than 40 seconds. _

_We hope you enjoy your purchase._

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**Sayo sez**: Thanks to my wonderful beta DayStarsMom. You're the absolute best.

**To the readers of this fic**: I hope the lines breakers didn't annoy you. I couldn't make the invisible line breaks look right. -weeps- It used to be so easy to edit HTML here on FF, but now, even attempting to make sense of their document editing system is a pain in the tush.


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